Nicole J. Burton

Birthfathers Grieve Too

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 20:59:00 -0500

Detroit filmmaker Joan Mandell recalled shooting the stories of birth mothers and fathers as part of a campaign to help teens become more aware of the effects of unwanted pregnancy. "The stories were so powerful, especially those of birth fathers. I'd always assumed that the men, who had no legal rights whatsoever, also had no feelings. Not true. Like the birthmothers who were often coerced into giving up their children to closed adoption, the birth fathers rememberd and grieved, in their own ways." Adoption activist Mary Martin Mason, author of Out of the Shadows: Birthfathers' Stories, helped arrange the Mandell interviews. "The adoption agency in Minnesota that helped us find the participants took control of the footage," said Mandell. "I wish I could get access to work with it. The stories were moving; many years later, they still haunt me."

Adoption Today

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 21:30:01 -0500

I've been making the rounds of local adoption agencies and adoption counselling organizations: CASE, Adoptions Together, and the Barker Foundation. I find many adoptive parents on staff, fine people. I'm seeking opportunities to promote my book and become an adoption speaker. On the current domestic scene, most birth mothers negotiate for living as well as medical expenses. The Internet allows direct communication and a kind of bidding process has developed. It's definitely a seller's market for domestic babies. The other way to adopt domestically is through the foster care system. According to a report I read about, there are three or four families ready and willing to foster and adopt for every child available. The barrier is the social services bureaucracy. Internationally, lawyers, adoption agencies, and brokers exact fees in the thousands of dollars, and there are additional expenses for immigration arrangements. Many countries are developing domestic adoption services, and fewer countries allow their children to be adopted away. My Dad paid one pound, three shillings for me, as I recall.

Upcoming Events

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:05:12 -0500

I've got a busy Fall schedule of events and would love to see you at any of them. First up is an author signing at Borders Books in Downtown Silver Spring, Friday, October 17 at 6pm, 8518 Fenton Street, Silver Spring, Maryland. Next, I'll be at the Greenbelt Community Center in Old Greenbelt, Maryland for "The Artful Afternoon," Sunday, November 2, from 3-4 pm. Following that, I'll journey to the Fairfax County Library (Pohick Regional Branch) on Sunday, November 15, from 3-5 pm. It's fun to meet people and discuss adoption from their standpoints. All the events are free. Come join us!

My Adoption Order

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 12:56:12 -0500

I visited my Adoption Order many times growing up. My father kept in his bureau drawer along with the passports. (It's amended here to protect my birth mother's privacy.) In my order is my birth mother's name, my given name, my birthplace, and the date I was adopted by the Burton family. (They named me Annette but I later changed my first name to Nicole/Nicki.) The document includes the date the adoption agency became aware of me two weeks following my birthdate. It also shows that my adoption was finalized when I was five months old and that my parents paid an adoption processing fee of 1 pound, 3 shillings, approximately $5.00. Most American adoptees don't have the luxury of an Adoption Order; they have "revised" birth certificates. I'm grateful I had mine to keep me company the long years I waited before searching.

The Publishing Game, Part 1

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:03:02 -0500

I really like Seth Godin's Advice to Authors regarding publishing. My printer, Lightning Source, is great to work with. They're owned by the book distributor Ingram, and the services are seamless.

Not so with wholesaler Baker & Taylor. This company doesn't behave as if it wants to stay in business. They don't answer phone calls or emails; I can't find the info I need on their website; they don't post prices or fees; and they have a reputation for being slow to list books and pay publishers. Fern at the Writing and Publishing Group on Facebook suggests skipping Baker & Taylor unless you have to use them.

"Speaking of Adoption" Radio Interview

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:50:59 -0500

Listen on the Web to my interview on Tuesday, July 22, 2:00-3:00PM ET on "Speaking of Adoption" with Donna Montalbano. Rhode Island's WOON 1240 AM Radio - Live and Archived

Donna's list of past guests is a Who's Who of adoption authors and leaders. Listen to past programs by visiting her site.

American Adoption Congress in 2009

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 16:30:48 -0500

The American Adoption Congress 30th Annual Conference is in Cleveland, Ohio next year on April 22-25, 2009. If you're in the adoption constellation, you owe it to yourself to consider attending. Check out the comments from this year's conference. I attended for the first time this year. I thought I knew almost everything important about adoption - I've lived with it, written a book, helped a few people search, gone to support group meetings. But I was blown away by what I learned. It shook my assumptions to their foundations, in a good way. I was also warmly welcomed and befriended some extraordinary people. Next year, I'm bringing my family - and we're going to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame as well! You should think about coming too.

Company on the Trail

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:12:40 -0500

In publishing Swimming Up the Sun, I often hear from people who want to search for family members. Perhaps they've tried, and it didn't work out. I always tell folks that time plays an enormous role in the success of reunion. Time and company. You don't have to walk the road of reunion alone; in fact, I highly advise against it. It's too easy to get discouraged [dis - couraged, to lose one's courage] or to miss an important clue or opportunity because of the whirl of emotions. In the DC area, we have the Adoptee-Birthparent Support Network and Concerned United Birthparents. The American Adoption Congress links a nationwide network of similar organizations. These are organizations of our peers. They hold monthly meetings, help us search, support us when the going gets tough (it always gets tough!), and rejoice with us at every breakthrough, no matter how small. I completed my search before attending ABSN meetings but those adoptees and birthmoms carried me through some dark times. They walked with me along the seemingly endless road to openness and love. It's an adventure but it's scary. You don't have to do it alone, so don't.

Making Room in Our Hearts by Micky Duxbury

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 16:06:34 -0500

As an person raised under closed adoption, I never knew openness of the kind Micky Duxbury writes about in Making Room in Our Hearts. I love the case studies and photos because we humans are storytelling creatures. We learn best through engaging tales. I learned that openness can exist in adoption, with birth and adoptive families discovering together how best to support the growth of the adopted young person - wow, what a concept! "Open Adoption" it turns out is not a one-size-fits-all, utopian arrangement but a supported process of learning to be flexible, compassionate, and respectful to the people who love the people we love. Highly recommended.

We're Not Blank Slates - We Remember

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:51:37 -0500

I often write about memory. My play-in-progress, FRED AND FRIEDA, is about a Holocaust survivor who suppressed her memories and now wants to remember. Adoptees aren't blank slates. We remember what happened to us, the loss. Sometimes we remember in ways that don't have words, because we didn't have words. But we remember... everything, at least we can if we choose to. For most of us, we were minding our own business, getting born, and suddenly, a nuclear explosion happened. When the dust cleared, everything we'd ever known was gone: parents, siblings, siblings-to-be, grandparents, family friends, ancestors, hometown, pets, music, language, culture, jokes, mountains... all gone forever. In their place was a new family. They were kind and we liked them. We weren't supposed to talk about the explosion and if we did, we weren't supposed to let on how much it mattered. Reuniting with our birth families is a conscious act of remembering. That's why it's so hard.

Author Signing at Bethany Beach, DE

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:43:44 -0500

I'll be signing copies of Swimming Up the Sun at Bethany Books, 99 Garfield Parkway, Bethany Beach, DE on Tuesday, June 24, at 7PM. Do stop by!

Swimming Up the Sun Events

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 08:45:36 -0500

I'll be reading and signing books at The Book Nook Bookstore, a new bookstore in Hyattsville, Maryland on Saturday, April 19, 1:30 - 3:00 P.M. It's part of the first Arts District Hyattsville Festival, with dancing, music, and great food. I'll also be at the Riverdale Park Arts Festival on Sunday, May 3, 11:00 - 6:00 P.M. Come on by!

Adoption in the Global Community

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 20:01:47 -0500

This was the theme of the phenomenal American Adoption Congress conference I attended last month in Portland, Oregon. The biggest surprise was how much I learned. I've written a book, Swimming Up the Sun: A Memoir of Adoption; I've lived adoption for decades; how could I be so ignorant?

The keynote address from Sharon Kaplan Roszia on "The Constellation of Adoption" floored me. Sharon's author of The Open Adoption Experience, and directs The Kinship Center in California. I learned it's not an adoption triad, it's a constellation, affecting spouses, our children, grandchildren, teachers, and so many others. And adoptees aren't in charge of managing or soothing the feelings of their various parents - neither as children nor as adults. As someone who's always felt responsible for my adoptive and birth parents' feelings, Sharon gently lifted a hundred pound weight from my shoulders.

Swimming Up the Sun was well received. Between the author signing at Broadway Books and the Conference Book Room, I almost sold out of the books I'd brought with me!

Swimming Up the Sun just published

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:47:42 -0500

Swimming Up the Sun is now available for purchase at amazon.com!

American Adoption Congress, Here I Come

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 18:52:51 -0500

I'm going to the American Adoption Congress (AAC) Conference in Portland, Oregon, March 26-29. Hundreds of people interested in adoption reform will converge to attend sessions such as "Adoption is a Feminist Issue" and "What Makes an Open Adoption Survive and Thrive," as well as keynote speeches by adoption community leaders. It's my first time attending--I'm pretty excited! The expertise and experience of folks coming to the conference is breathtaking; one of the presenters is Betty Jean Lifton whose fantastic books have been my companions throughout my search and reunion. I'm looking forward to meeting her and many others.

I plan to do lots of networking and sign books in the AAC Book Room. I'm also having an author signing at Portland's Broadway Books at 1714 NE Broadway on Tuesday, March 25 at 7:30pm. Please spread the word if you have friends in Portland. Swimming Up the Sun is now being printed (it looks gorgeous!) and copies will be available for order on Amazon.com and through bookstores by March 21.